Hi people who may or may not be reading this.
So, I know that there are other things I said I would talk about, but there is only so much I can deal with revealing at one time. So, instead I am going to take you guys on a journey into the terrifying and neurotic place that is my brain.
So, tons of people have told me in the past that I was so quiet when they first met me and that I used to never talk. I still don't talk all that much, even after a while, but whatever, I get your point. And there's actually a really simple explanation to that. I was too busy over-analyzing EVERYTHING! (you will understand the need for gratuitous capitalization after you read some more).
I don't know why, but my brain goes into overdrive when I am in situations where there are people I either have just met, or am not all that comfortable with yet. It is absolutely insane, to the point where everything is a concern. Don't believe me? Ok, here's an example:
I met most of the friends that I currently hang out with, one night my freshman year when my friend Bryan brought me along to hang out with some people who lived in Miller (one of Hiram's dorms). This is everything that went through my head in the first probably 10 minutes I was there:
Should I not have come with Bryan? I don't know if he actually wanted me to come or if he felt sorry for me.
I hope they don't think that I am his girlfriend because I don't think that he would like that and then he will act all weird and I am not trying to imply anything.
Where am I allowed to sit? I don't want to seem like I am inserting myself into the group because I don't know if they want me in the group because they probably don't . But I also don't want to be cold and sit really far away because then it's like I came but I really don't want to be here and I do want to be here, I think. And I don't want to take anyone's chair but I don't know where they usually sit and so I don't know where I shouldn't sit, but I can't stand in the hall because I will block people and it will be weird.
Bryan went into someone's room. Am I supposed to follow? Because the rest of the people don't know me so they might not want me to just be in the room with them listening to their conversations. But I don't want to follow Bryan around like a puppy dog because that is really weird, but he is the only one that I can talk to because he is the only one I really know.
Everyone's talking and I feel like I should be talking because if I don't they are going to say that I am too quiet or they are going to think that I am stuck up. But I don't think that I can talk to anyone because Bryan is gone and I only know Lauren and Zach a little bit from jiu jitsu and Lauren left too and Zach is all the way across the room so I can't talk to him. I will never be able to talk loud enough for him to hear sitting over here and if I do people will hear me and maybe not want me to be talking or interrupting the group. And I can't walk over there because I finally found a safe place to sit.
And I just heard them say that they switched the bathroom doors but I don't know if they ever switched them back and if I ask I will seem more like an outsider. I can't use the bathroom here.
So, yeah....that would be how my brain works. There is a reason I'm not good at small talk. My brain is way too busy being neurotic.
Hope my weirdness is at least entertaining,
Chris
P.S. I am sorry that I think in run-on sentences....I feel like I really need to edit that, but that's honestly how I think when I'm freaking out about stuff
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