Hmmm.....so there is a pretty big question that I left open on my first post. What is going on that I need a space to write and figure things out so badly? Why do I need support? Well it's a pretty long story, but I can try to give an overview here and then I can delve into stuff later.
So, a lot of stuff happened this past school year. Some of it was really great! I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life and I took steps to make it happen. I tried out for the fall play. I started a school year for the first time with a really strong relationship. From the outside there is certainly nothing to complain about.
But there was something strange that was lingering. Sporadically during November, I found myself reacting pretty strangely to conflict. If people would fight on our floor, I would get pretty shaky. If I got into an argument with my boyfriend I would find myself hyperventilating, which had never happened before. But it didn't happen all that much, and so I didn't think much of it. I just attributed it to a pretty stressful semester and the fact that I was still trying to work out how relationships between close friends, roommates, boyfriends and people on the floor were even supposed to work (which is pretty difficult if your usual reaction was always just to stay quiet and not talk to anyone).
But then towards January, I realized that something was really wrong. My emotions were completely out of control! And I was having feeling I had never really had before (at least never like this). I was feeling completely worthless, hated (for no reason) and pathetic. I felt like nothing I was doing was working out right and I felt broken. And I didn't know why. Then, what I've learned to call panic attacks started to get worse.
I tried to hide it and act normal. But I ended up hiding from most of my friends, which caused them to get angry at me (understandably), and I spent way to many nights up to ridiculous hours crying. Stuff was bad, but I couldn't find a way out or even a reason for why I was feeling this way.
I found some type of a reason a little bit later. I talked to Zach about some of the things that happened in my past and was surprised at how wrong he said they were. Because I had been denying for a long time that a lot of what happened in my household was abusive and wrong. Emotional abuse is pretty easy to deny. People who have experienced these things tend to develop complications such as depression or anxiety. Especially if, as in my case, there is already a family history of this.
But that isn't the whole story. Because things are rough beyond what happened in my past. I don't know what exactly to call what's going on. I am still in the process of arranging counseling, so there is no complete diagnosis. I don't know if it is depression, anxiety, both or something else. I just know that I need to change the way I think. Because it is damaging.
Because I have hit an all time low. It's to the point where I am in pain every day. And I have had thoughts that I never wanted to have and considered things that I wish I never had.
But help is coming. And hopefully some changes will happen soon. But that's the barest of overviews. And if I've acted strange towards anyone reading this, or cruel I am sorry. I haven't been the easiest person to deal with, because I have been struggling a lot. I don't mean to make excuses, I just want to explain.
So, that's that. You've got the background, so hopefully I can explain the rest when my brain allows me to.
Thanks for reading,
Chris
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