Why use Small Talk when you can Over-analyze?

Hi people who may or may not be reading this.

So, I know that there are other things I said I would talk about, but there is only so much I can deal with revealing at one time.  So, instead I am going to take you guys on a journey into the terrifying and neurotic place that is my brain.

So, tons of people have told me in the past that I was so quiet when they first met me and that I used to never talk.  I still don't talk all that much, even after a while, but whatever, I get your point.  And there's actually a really simple explanation to that.  I was too busy over-analyzing EVERYTHING! (you will understand the need for gratuitous capitalization after you read some more).

I don't know why, but my brain goes into overdrive when I am in situations where there are people I either have just met, or am not all that comfortable with yet.  It is absolutely insane, to the point where everything is a concern.  Don't believe me? Ok, here's an example:

I met most of the friends that I currently hang out with, one night my freshman year when my friend Bryan brought me along to hang out with some people who lived in Miller (one of Hiram's dorms).  This is everything that went through my head in the first probably 10 minutes I was there:

Should I not have come with Bryan? I don't know if he actually wanted me to come or if he felt sorry for me.  
I hope they don't think that I am his girlfriend because I don't think that he would like that and then he will act all weird and I am not trying to imply anything.  
Where am I allowed to sit? I don't want to seem like I am inserting myself into the group because I don't know if they want me in the group because they probably don't .  But I also don't want to be cold and sit really far away because then it's like I came but I really don't want to be here and I do want to be here, I think.  And I don't want to take anyone's chair but I don't know where they usually sit and so I don't know where I shouldn't sit, but I can't stand in the hall because I will block people and it will be weird. 
Bryan went into someone's room.  Am I supposed to follow? Because the rest of the people don't know me so they might not want me to just be in the room with them listening to their conversations.  But I don't want to follow Bryan around like a puppy dog because that is really weird, but he is the only one that I can talk to because he is the only one I really know.  
Everyone's talking and I feel like I should be talking because if I don't they are going to say that I am too quiet or they are going to think that I am stuck up.  But I don't think that I can talk to anyone because Bryan is gone and I only know Lauren and Zach a little bit from jiu jitsu and Lauren left too and Zach is all the way across the room so I can't talk to him.  I will never be able to talk loud enough for him to hear sitting over here and if I do people will hear me and maybe not want me to be talking or interrupting the group.  And I can't walk over there because I finally found a safe place to sit.  
And I just heard them say that they switched the bathroom doors but I don't know if they ever switched them back and if I ask I will seem more like an outsider.  I can't use the bathroom here.  

So, yeah....that would be how my brain works.  There is a reason I'm not good at small talk.  My brain is way too busy being neurotic.
Hope my weirdness is at least entertaining,
Chris

P.S. I am sorry that I think in run-on sentences....I feel like I really need to edit that, but that's honestly how I think when I'm freaking out about stuff

Some Stuff that REALLY Needs to be Explained

Hmmm.....so there is a pretty big question that I left open on my first post.  What is going on that I need a space to write and figure things out so badly? Why do I need support?  Well it's a pretty long story, but I can try to give an overview here and then I can delve into stuff later.

So, a lot of stuff happened this past school year.  Some of it was really great! I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life and I took steps to make it happen.  I tried out for the fall play.  I started a school year for the first time with a really strong relationship.  From the outside there is certainly nothing to complain about.

But there was something strange that was lingering.  Sporadically during November, I found myself reacting pretty strangely to conflict.  If people would fight on our floor, I would get pretty shaky.  If I got into an argument with my boyfriend I would find myself hyperventilating, which had never happened before.  But it didn't happen all that much, and so I didn't think much of it.  I just attributed it to a pretty stressful semester and the fact that I was still trying to work out how relationships between close friends, roommates, boyfriends and people on the floor were even supposed to work (which is pretty difficult if your usual reaction was always just to stay quiet and not talk to anyone).

But then towards January, I realized that something was really wrong.  My emotions were completely out of control!   And I was having feeling I had never really had before (at least never like this).  I was feeling completely worthless, hated (for no reason) and pathetic.  I felt like nothing I was doing was working out right and I felt broken.  And I didn't know why.  Then, what I've learned to call panic attacks started to get worse.

I tried to hide it and act normal.  But I ended up hiding from most of my friends, which caused them to get angry at me (understandably), and I spent way to many nights up to ridiculous hours crying.  Stuff was bad, but I couldn't find a way out or even a reason for why I was feeling this way.

I found some type of a reason a little bit later.  I talked to Zach about some of the things that happened in my past and was surprised at how wrong he said they were.  Because I had been denying for a long time that a lot of what happened in my household was abusive and wrong.  Emotional abuse is pretty easy to deny.  People who have experienced these things tend to develop complications such as depression or anxiety.  Especially if, as in my case, there is already a family history of this.

But that isn't the whole story.  Because things are rough beyond what happened in my past.  I don't know what exactly to call what's going on.  I am still in the process of arranging counseling, so there is no complete diagnosis.  I don't know if it is depression, anxiety, both or something else.  I just know that I need to change the way I think.  Because it is damaging.

Because I have hit an all time low.  It's to the point where I am in pain every day.  And I have had thoughts that I never wanted to have and considered things that I wish I never had.

But help is coming.  And hopefully some changes will happen soon.  But that's the barest of overviews.  And if I've acted strange towards anyone reading this, or cruel I am sorry.  I haven't been the easiest person to deal with, because I have been struggling a lot.  I don't mean to make excuses, I just want to explain.

So, that's that.  You've got the background, so hopefully I can explain the rest when my brain allows me to.

Thanks for reading,
Chris

An Explanation and an Apology

Hi guys.
Some of you might have read my other blog, A Friendly Introvert.  But, since I sorta fell out of the blogging habit, I really haven't written on that one very much.  But the thing is, I really really liked blogging.  It felt like a way to get all of my thoughts out of my head and force them away from myself (yeah, basically word vomit).  It did something that I can't do in a journal, which is push some thoughts out of my head.  And I have a lot of stuff that I really need to get out of my head.
So, I'm trying again.  And since I am a little compulsive, starting a new fresh blog seemed like a much cleaner way to step back into it.
I don't really know if anyone will read this.  Everyone is probably real tired of seeing me post about blogs.  But, honestly, I could use any help I can get right now, so I'm going to reach out and be annoying again.  Sorry.
Anyway, I don't really know what to tell you to expect.  I hope it will be more than just me vomiting my thoughts onto the page...but I can't exactly promise that.  I'll try.  And I really do hope you'll read.
Thanks guys,
Chris

P.S. I am also sorry for the abundance of girly-ness in the blog's layout.  I got tired of trying to pick a template and this one had birds on them and I can't change the obnoxious pink colors.